Five Tips for clown combat

They watch. They listen. They scheme. They bide their time until you aren’t looking and the next thing you know little Johnny is gone.

You know who they are.

Clowns (Is always has to be clowns doesn’t it?).

Panic is sweeping the nation. The clowns are coming. And they’re out for blood. Nobody is safe. It sounds like one of those something-bad-is-happening-far-away-and-is-never-going-to-happen-to-me-because-I-don’t-live-far-away-I-live-here things—but it’s not.

Clown-related incidents have occurred in at least 37 different states and the authorities can report only one reliable conclusion—you’re next.


  1. Run!

In accordance with common sense, the safest reaction to a creepy clown is to run in the opposite direction. Classic clowns wear ridiculously oversized shoes and should be easily outran. However, if this is not the case…


  1. Distract him then run!

If the clown is unnaturally fast (or you are unnaturally slow) then the only option is combat. Assuming that you are unarmed, the best strategy is to use the clown’s equipment against him. If you rapidly press all his buttons something or another is doubtless to pop out. While the clown is busy trying to fix his equipment, you can easily slip away. However if the buttons don’t trigger some sort of distraction…


  1. Pull the handkerchief and run!

It is common practice for clowns to have comically long handkerchieves in their front pockets. If worse comes to worst, pulling the handkerchief is a reliable method to distract the clown. If you are brave enough, you could even try to gag or tie the clown up with his own handkerchief. The handkerchief move slows the clown and allows you to flee to safety. However, if the handkerchief is ineffective…


  1. Pull his baggy clothes then run!

Every clown, traditional or not, is bound to be wearing baggy clothes. In a fight at close quarters, baggy clothes are a definite disadvantage; they can be grabbed, pulled, ripped, torn or clipped—your pick. The clothes advantage should enable you to swiftly take out the clown and promptly run away. However, if the clown still prevails…


  1. Bop his nose and run!

When all indirect methods of combat are exhausted, the only remaining option is to resort to violence. A quick jab in the nose will stun any aggressive clown. The blow need not be overpowering as clowns have very sensitive noses. Once the clown is down, you will be free to run run run all the way home. However, if the clown is not phased…

Nope you’re screwed.

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