Freshmen: Your immediate future holds many important turning points — some for better and some for worse. If you wish them to be for better, you will dress for spirit week. If you do not, your life will surely quickly spiral downward into the depths of despair. Be watchful for your omen of good luck — an abnormally large piece of celery.
Sophomores: Keep your guard up this week, and be on the watch for misfortune. If you avoid the pitfalls in your path, you will experience unprecedented happiness. Look to your spirit animal for guidance in turbulent times, for it will light your path. Unless it is a panda, in which case you are doomed.
Juniors: One of your deepest wishes will be granted this week, but at a great cost that is unknown to you. Be careful of people named Linda, for a Linda will try to swindle you this week. If you have anything holding you back from success, you will soon find a way to break free from it.
Seniors: Fret not about superfluous things such as homework, for they will fade away. Make some memories this week, and they will last forever. Although beware of laziness, for it can easily creep into your life. When searching for inspiration to keep going, look to the metaphysical force of Big Mike Grossen.
Teachers: The universe will reveal to you this week whether or not you are a good teacher — if a student brings you an apple, you are. If you do not receive this omen, you must give out no homework for the rest of the quarter in order to earn favor with the educational gods. Lick a wild animal on Thursday for good luck.