Hip horoscopes for high school humans, edition #2


Week of 9/6 – 9/11

Freshmen: Your disposition this week should be one of open mindedness, as many exotic things will soon come your way. If you are wise, you will spend much of your time this week in deep thought. This practice will reveal to you a secret truth about your favorite uncle. There is much more to him than meets the eye.


Sophomores: Anything that is a tertiary color will bring you good luck, but other-colored things will put a curse upon your household. This week is a good time to confront your greatest fear, for in doing so, you will discover your inner self. Pray to Larry the Cucumber for good luck in completing this task.


Juniors: Time is extremely valuable to you right now, so use it well or it will soon run out. Prioritize what is important to you, and invest in those things. Remember that dark secret you have been keeping? Sharing it with your mother will free you from its turmoil, but keeping it inside you will incur the wrath of the gods.


Seniors: Opportunities for much glory are soon to come your way. Your future is rife with important choices, and if you choose wisely you will be long remembered. Beware the person who tries to steal your fame — he or she will be wearing a purple sweater. Remember that your success this week will be based solely on your fashionability.
Teachers: Your best friend Kevin is actually a werewolf. Granting homework this week will in turn grant you displeasure with the gods. Remember who you truly are, and make sure that you stay true to that person. No matter how many annoying students you may have to endure this week, be assured that the gods will smite them down for their crimes.

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